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| Worry |
This is my
mantra...what I keep saying to myself
when I first open my eyes in the morning. "Stop worrying about
things you can't control." It's a
brutal truth that I find hard to accept. I really have no control over many
things that happen in my own life, much less anyone else.
To be honest, I am a
recovering control freak. I admit
it. I always think if I have control
over every aspect of my life, I can
prevent bad things from happening to me and those I love. I always tried to find a way, solve the problem, make everything better, no matter what the cost to me. It has been a rough road traveled to realize
that nothing I say or do will stop the future from happening. A harsh reality that on some unconscious level I still have absolutely no lingering doubt, I will be able to "fix the problem".
Unfortunately, my agonizingly slow morphing into some semblance of recovery has now turned me into a "worry wart",
usually about the same things I realize I cannot control. I always feel I will find a solution, that I just have to
"worry" it to death. This worrying happens even when
no resolution exists or is out of reach. Actually, I believe it appeases the "control freak" in me, as it’s feels like I am doing something about it
when in reality, I have lost control over myself. If it's going to happen, no amount of
worrying about it will help thwart its arrival.
Lately, I worry about what "might happen" if we do this or if we move there. A flood of questions that just clutter my mind, since I have no answers. My imagination plays havoc with my vision of reality, which of course, adds to the constant worry. It has caused many sleepless nights, a lack of concentration, loss of my creative spirit and left me with a very pessimistic attitude. Trust me…I have been there and back in my mind several times over and left with no energy to attack the problems I can solve, here and now.
Sometimes I realize where my mind is headed and can stop the worm from taking hold....other times it crawls out of control.
This struggle to regain my balance in life is a battle
I am working on every day.
Current Mood: 😟