Since Friday I have been very depressed. I had taken my Hannah to the vet because she has been stumbling and falling occasionally on her hind legs. I erroneously assumed her arthritis was getting worse, so I wanted the vet to prescribe a medication that is stronger for her condition, other than aspirin. After a thorough exam which included blood tests, needle probing and muscle stretches, my vet dropped a heart wrenching diagnosis. Hannah was suffering from Degenerative Myelopathy, common to the German Shepherd breed and known to us humans as Lou Gehrig's disease. She wasn't sure how far along Hannah was and couldn't give me a definitive answer on how much more time I would have with my beloved dog. The vet did not recommend an MRI at this point, but stressed the need to keep Hannah as comfortable and happy as possible. There is no medication to deal with DM, it's not treatable and deterioration will continue. A suggestion of "rubber paw pads or booties" was made to help her with balance. Another small issue I had pointed out for examination was dismissed as being "the least of her problems" and removal was not necessary. Arthritis is secondary to the main condition, but a few prescriptions to deal with pain and inflammation and lots of love were handed to me. The office will call me in two weeks to check up on how Hannah is doing on the arthritic medications.
Quite stunned, I came home and tried to explain to my family what was happening to Hannah. It hasn't been easy. To top it off, I really don't want to discuss the situation at all. I just want to shut it out. I know talking about it helps with acceptance. Unfortunately, right now all that talking is not working its magic. Go ahead and call it denial...or call it whatever you want...I just know it hurts. Hannah doesn't understand what's happening and yet, she comes to me and gives me kisses because she knows I am upset, unhappy and hurting. She just wants me to feel better.
You might say to me...don't be upset, she isn't gone yet and enjoy the time she has left before God calls her home. Of course!! I do plan on spending even more time with her, spoiling her with special treats and kisses. However, the thought she will be gone sooner than I had ever expected has turned into a very deep and sharp ache inside me. The decision to put her down will be an extremely difficult one. I don't want to think about it. I am trying to take it one minute at a time, one step before the other. Yet, I have moments when I burst into tears thinking I will lose her one day. It may be today, tomorrow, next week, next month or perhaps within the year. The uncertainty adds to my depression.
Yes...I know all dogs die one day and go to heaven. I just never thought about it occurring to my Hannah. To me, she is still full of life, chasing rabbits and guarding her family. There isn't anything wrong with her other than the occasional stumbling. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that her hind legs will be paralyzed. When is the right time to say goodbye to my dearest friend? What kind of life is this going to be for my sweet Hannah?
You see....Hannah is my best friend who patiently listens to me no matter what I have to say about life, people, work..etc. Always giving comfort when she hears that hitch in my voice and knows I am upset or not feeling well. She loves sleeping as close as she can get, I can drop my hand down to give her a belly rub. Very intelligent, she learns quickly and answers to my commands. To this day, she still follows me around like a sweet puppy, never far from my hand, usually lying at my feet.
She is extremely protective of her family and especially loves to torment the UPS man who has the audacity to leave a package on the porch or has the nerve to knock for a signature. Basically, anyone who comes to our door must face her wrath. Hannah loves unconditionally, is loyal to a fault and defends us without thought to her own life.
Hannah...I love you today, tomorrow and always. Thank you for choosing me 11 years ago. I promise to make sure you are happy, comfortable and loved until your last breath. 💓
