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| My Lost Love |
“We're all ghosts. We all carry, inside us, people who came before us.”
Do ghosts haunt us...or perhaps we do the haunting? Is it a dream that we have after losing a loved one or an actual visitation? On the evening my mother suddenly passed away, I dreamed she came to visit me to say goodbye. I woke up to knocking on my door with the news she was gone. Did she really visit me through my dreams or was it just my heart saying goodbye without knowledge of her recent death? I can't answer these questions.
A few months ago, I had a another dream about my mother that was so surreal, down to the scent of her favorite perfume.
The dream started out very realistically... I was reading in bed, a little frustrated at the progress I was making on the book, blaming the author for writing pages and pages totally irrelevant to the plot. Hearing the doorknob turn, I glanced up as the door to my bedroom opened. Naturally, I expected to see my daughter wishing me a goodnight, but was pleasantly surprised to see my mother. A quick thought flashed in my mind, "impossible...she has been gone for a long time", which was just as promptly dismissed. Sitting on the edge of my bed, with the scent of "Estee Lauder's Beautiful" filling the air, she asks me how I am doing. Just the scent caused my heart to start thumping wildly in my chest.
Now, not to add too much to this tale, I had been carrying a heavy load of anger about the way things were going in my life and was actively praying to find some peace of mind. To be honest, I did miss my mother and being unable to talk to her. Is that why my mind brought her to back to life?
I immediately began listing all my issues in a very short burst of consciousness. Her response was another smile that brought a quiet calm and warmth that encompassed my entire body. I achieved a few moments of peace. Did I imagine that smile or just remembered it? I am not sure. Her voice was like soothing balm over a burning wound as she commisserated. Suddenly, I was startled by her question. She was asking me to start attending church once again.
Going to church had always been a topic of dissention between us. I am of the opinion that God is everywhere. I believed if I prayed at home, the good lord would listen. If I rode my horse out into the far reaches of the desert and talked to God all the way, he would listen. My mother always stressed that the only place one could speak to God was in his house. My reply, "I don't understand. How will going to church solve anything mom?"
She reached out her hand and covered mine and I shivered. Her hand felt as cold as ice and the chill startled me into an awareness that this had to be a dream. Once again, my mind rejected the thought. Whether it was a dream or not, the distraction of the cold hand seemed to signal a time of withdrawal. She released my hand, stood up and walked to the door. Turning, she whispered, "If you do not want to go back to church, I understand. Will you think about doing it for me? I cannot go in my present state." With that she quietly left, leaving her scent behind and the door slightly ajar. I could feel my heart breaking as she departed. "Nooooooo mama... come back and give me a chance to tell you about all the wonderful things that have happened since you left."
I woke up wheezing...trying to catch my breath, noticing the door to my room was slightly open.
Needless to say, at my mother's request, I have been attending Sunday church service.